First of all, I was training for my run and proud to say, I had gotten up to running 6 miles! I was so proud of myself. I felt on top of the world! But then the next night I had my softball game. Parley was asleep and had been for almost 3 hours. My mom was going to watch my kids for me so I just decided to pump so she could feed Parley when he woke up. I got like 1 tablespoon! I couldn't believe it. I just started to cry. Breastfeeding my babies is so important to me. It's my bonding time and gives me the peace of mind that I am giving them the best that I can. I thought about what to do all night long. I had made a commitment and really didn't want to go back on it. But finally I decided that I just had to back out of the race. I had been training really hard and I guess my body just couldn't do all that when I'm trying to nurse. Besides the training, I had been really stressed and anxious about the whole thing because I wasn't quite sure about myself and if I would be able to do it. And I know how hard on my body stress is. I think that was also contributing to me losing my milk. So no, I'm not running the race anymore. I'm pretty sad and upset about it. Especially because everyone keeps saying "don't worry, there's always next year..". Well no, I'm not sure it's even a possibility next year. Or when it actually would be. My life is so up in the air right now I really don't know where I will be at. Whether I will be pregnant or just having another baby. So for the last couple weeks I have been doing anything I can think of to build up my milk supply again. I have been eating more, drinking a ton, and definitely not running. It has been a very slow process but I think I'm finally getting it back up. But there are still those times where I feel like I just don't have enough. So then it makes me wonder if I even made the right decision by backing out of the race. If it's even making a difference.
I know most of you already know this but in January, Brandon started a new job which allowed him to be home in the mornings. Before I had Parley I would faithfully go to the gym every morning at 9 AM. I would usually take my kids with me but after having a baby that's no longer a possibility because the daycare at my gym won't take them until they are 6 months old. So knowing Brandon would be home in the mornings made me so happy because I would be able to go back to the gym so soon. At first everything went very well. I was able to go to the gym almost every day. I felt totally happy with life and with my kids. Even through all the financial difficulties we were going through, I was able to stay very positive. I always felt like it was because I was able to go to the gym every day but now I am certain. The last few weeks I haven't been able to go because Brandon's work schedule has been crazy and now he got another new job which is in the mornings again. It's amazing how different I feel now days. I am very moody and get frustrated a lot. With my kids and with Brandon. I feel really bad because I know he is only trying to provide for us which I am so very grateful for. I just can't seem to force myself to be happy. Everything was going so well for awhile. All I could think about was having more kids because I was enjoying them so much. In fact, I was constantly saying to myself, when's the storm going to hit cause life it just too great right now! It makes me feel sad to know all that has changed now. I was doing so well with everything. I was getting so close to my goal weight and feeling good about myself. I was finally going to do a race that I have always wanted to do. I just felt like I was accomplishing something and working towards something. And I was seeing the progress! But now I feel like I have lost myself. I feel stuck in my house, constantly being weighted down by everyone else's needs and not being able to meet mine. I go through sort of a self destructive phase where I get so down on myself. I just want to sit on the couch all day and eat anything I can get my hands on! I know, I totally sound crazy right now but I really wish I could snap out of it and be happy again. Sorry for the depressing post. I just had to get it all out. Life is just really not fun right now :(
4 comments:
oh annie! I am so very proud of you for how far you have come! you look amazing! It is not the end of the world though and here in a few months you will be able to go workout faithfully again:) and why are you thinking of having another baby when you are so sad to not beable to go to the gym after!! silly girl you will be in the same predicament! I wish I didnt have soooo many kids and i could watch Par for you! life is so crazy now isnt it! I sure love you and you should just enjoy being home with your kids and baby for that 6 months cause you know they are their happiest in the mornings!! hee hee!
Hey Ariane I don't think you are crazy. I know exactly how you feel. I actually had to get on medication after Ty cause I had postpartum so bad. Exercise really does balance everything out and make you feel better. I know you are a great Mom! It is hard to meet your needs and everyone else's but I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job! Continue to work on finding your balance. Love you.
I'm sorry Annie, I'm not even that far into having my first kid and I already understand the need to get out and do your own thing, so I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I am so proud of you for coming this far and I know things will only get better. I LOVE YOU!
ariane, i just have to echo the thoughts and tell you that you really do look AMAZING!! postpartum blues are really the worst and it is funny that they still come and go even though our little ones are five months! ill tell you what i think... you need to start eating sugar again. :) not enough to feel totally guilty, but ya know... enough to get through the wicked hormones. there are some days when chocolate makes all the difference!! keep working out when you can, i know it is hard. meet me at the gym early! i try to go early most days of the week. lack of sleep isn't fun, but it would be worse if i didn't work out. hang in there. you are doing GREAT! a great example to me.
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